From Frustrated to Flourishing

How Self-Leadership Changes Everything

We all want to flourish in life and leadership. A few years into vocational ministry as a young man, I was doing too many things. I was launching a campus, flipping a house, leading small groups, attending global church meetings weekly, and building a team. I did all of this while my wife worked full time and we welcomed our firstborn into the world. Between towns, it was normal for us to live live and work in three different towns each day.

Under the pressure of that season, a co-worker asked me as I walked in one morning, “Shay… are you okay?” Now, I can’t grow a real beard, but I hadn’t found time to shave in weeks. The representation I was giving of myself wasn’t the best, and it was enough of a tell that something was off that coworkers and my direct reports began to ask about it.

It was a lot of gas station breakfast burritos and energy drinks in those days. I wish I learned my lesson the first time. But as we had three more kids, planted a church, worked on a doctorate, and entered a pandemic, I found that in every season there was usually at least one thing slipping through the cracks.

Having lived through those moments and being able to look back in hindsight, I’m reminded of this truth:

First you make your choices, and then your choices make you.

First you make your choices, and then your choices make you.

God’s clear, and His Word proves true… “you reap what you sow.” That includes the big moral decisions and the seemingly small moral compromises, but it also applies to our daily habits and how we spend our time, energy, and resources. Too much fast food puts you on a fast track to lower energy, limited thinking and decision capacity, and poor job performance… and that directly impacts the direction of your life.

Sometimes burnout isn’t a result of demanding leadership responsibility, it’s the result of poor self-leadership in the midst of that responsibility.

At least, that’s often been my story. What about you?

Here’s a few lessons I’ve learned about self-leadership over the years that have allowed me to return to joy and optimism in life and leadership.

Sometimes burnout isn’t a result of demanding leadership responsibility, it’s the result of poor self-leadership in the midst of that responsibility.

I wish this wasn’t true, but I have yet to enter a season where every single responsibility, activity, and goal was operating at full capacity with no slippage in performance or focus.

But that’s just never been the case.

If I’m eating right, exercising, reading my Bible, praying daily, and leading well, then there’s a good chance I’m not fully present at home. 

Conversely, if I’m fully present at home, having fun with my kids, completing the daily household chores, hitting the gym, and cooking healthy meals, there’s a good chance my calling isn’t getting enough of me either.

I used to say, “It’s just a season,” but if that season lasts longer than 4-6 months, it’s not a season… it’s your new normal. At this point, we both know that something needs to change, and IT likely won’t change until YOU change.

Something needs to change, and IT likely won’t change until YOU change.

The bigger question is, if something is going to get less than your best after 6 months, is it something that should get any of your effort or attention at all? If it is, it deserves to be a bigger priority. If it isn’t, then it’s time to cut loose.

While I don’t have the same courage as Bob Goff to just make decisions and go with it, I love his Thursday rule where he quits something every Thursday. I am not sure if there are enough things in my life to have something to quit every Thursday! Still, there’s tremendous wisdom in the idea. When we think of improving our lives, we often think about what we can ADD to make it better. More likely, there are things we need to SUBTRACT to make our lives better and our leadership more effective.

One of the reasons this is so important is because…

Do you have time for routine things? When was the last time you clipped your nails? Changed the oil in your car? Cleaned off your desk and organized your shelves? Has the same bag or suitcase been sitting there for a week and hasn’t been touched? When was the last time you exercised? Do you find yourself running through the fast food drive through multiple times a week?

These are all signs that something is off. You’ve lost control somewhere, and you’re going to have to make some big changes this week to get control of your life back. It may not seem big now, but when you miss that important meeting – let down someone you made a promise to – or sleep so poorly you can barely pull yourself out of bed in the morning, it hurts your performance, strains your relationships, and damages your credibility as a leader.

And this is what takes so many leaders out… it’s not a scandal or a sudden collapse… It’s the repeated loss of credibility and momentum over time as we show poor self-leadership. A lack of urgency, misalignment on the team, or an unclear direction are all outcomes of a poorly led life. I’ve lived on the wrong side of this fence far too many times in my life. I’m guessing you have too.

Find out what’s off, make adjustments today, and if you need to upset someone to be a better leader, that’s often worth the price.

It may be difficult, but letting someone down in order to be better is much more tolerable than letting someone down because you didn’t have the courage to be better.

And that’s why the little things matter so much. Whether it’s unclipped nails, an unshaved face, wrinkled clothes that haven’t been ironed, or an oil change that’s 4,000 miles past due…

It may be difficult, but letting someone down in order to be better is much more tolerable than letting someone down because you didn’t have the courage to be better.

Overworking and over-extending are signs of a deeper issue. Pastors notoriously do not know how to let go. Our spouses sometimes even tell us that the Church has become our mistress, and they are often not wrong. Our faith, passion, and giftsets have converged into a career and calling with eternal consequence… and while this is the formula dream jobs are made of, it’s also a formula for burnout, lack of proper boundaries, chronic guilt, and so much more.

As ministry leaders, we are notorious for over-working, and we have all the reasons in the world to justify it. 

We over-work because we…

• feel the need to prove ourselves worthy of God’s approval.
• Want others to make sure others see our commitment.
• Try to “lead by example,” yet instead of following our example, our people just let us keep doing the work!
• Simply want people to see how much we work.
• Think that God is obligated to reward our faithfulness with numerical growth and spiritual revival.
• Feel inadequate, confused on why we are feeling stuck, and hopeful that giving it all we have will pay off in the long run.

But who are you living for? God, or man? Christ, or self?

• Are you people-pleasing?
• Have you learned to say “No” to good things and good people so you can say “Yes” to the best things?
• Are you protecting your family time, God time, and your time? What would your spouse say?

It’s easy to blame your boss, board, co-workers, family, congregation, or circumstances for your overwhelm and burnout, but who is responsible for the health of your soul? Are they? Or are you? Whether it’s your spouse, a congregant, a co-worker, or an acquaintance, people will only value your priorities as much as you do. Otherwise, they have plenty of priorities they’ll give you.

I have a few thoughts.

Here are 10 action steps you can take to lead yourself toward spiritual and emotional health as a leader.

1. Remember that Jesus was never in a hurry.

If you’re always rushing, you’re rarely praying and you are out of step with the Spirit.

“Make haste slowly” captures the heart of this. My first ministry mentor would often say, “Slow is smooth and smooth is fast.” It’s hard to argue with that kind of practical wisdom. Here’s something we have to remember: It’s God’s church, not ours. Be faithful, lead with excellence, but trust Him with the outcomes. Plant the seed, water it, tend it… but trust God to give the growth. And, as un-American as it sounds… even with A.I. taking over, we have to remember… GROWTH – TAKES – TIME.

2. Flourishing needs a filter.

Define what is most important, and filter out what is not.

If you’re unclear on what’s important, how can you lead your church toward what’s most important? Take the time that’s necessary to define what is most important. Then begin the hard work of filtering out what might be good or even wonderful, but it just isn’t what is important right now. The best churches and church leaders don’t do more… they do less, but better. Whenever we want to grow, we tend to add programs and initiatives, but what if that’s part of what’s getting in the way of your growth?

3. Learn to say “No” with kindness and clarity.

Your best “Yes” is one “No” away.

This follows from the last one. Just as we have to do what is best for the church, you have to do this for yourself as well. But here’s the problem… you’re a pastor. You’re a ministry leader. And pastors and ministry leaders are not known for being able to say no. But if you’re ever going to run the race to the end, this is something we have to get good at.

Of course there are seasons, and some seasons are harder to say no in than others. If you’re in a new church plant and trying to build bridges in your community while growing your launch team, it feels like there’s no such thing as “no.” Every opportunity is a “Yes” opportunity!

But here’s a lesson I learned the hard way… your supporting churches and denominations will all want to support you, but that support comes with relationships that have reciprocal expectations (and they should). You don’t want to disappoint them, and they want to be part of the journey, and so when they make an ask, you give a yes. But between meetings, events, collaborations, and more, you can find yourself spending more time with other churches than with the community you were called to reach.

Additionally, you have to manage the expectations of those new and valuable souls who are plugging in to your church. As I look back, I probably shouldn’t have given so much time to that guy who was writing a book on discipleship but wasn’t discipling anyone. I should have cut another conversation short when it was clear that there was nothing I could do that would be “enough” for them. And I should have been more forthright to say to one or two people earlier in the relationship, “I’m so glad we’ve had the chance to chat. Based on what you’re looking for, I really don’t think we are the church for you.”

Yes, we’re here to reach people… so don’t let the already saved and never satisfied folks keep you from reaching people… because they will.

“Yes, we’re here to reach people… so don’t let the already saved and never satisfied folks keep you from reaching people… because they will.“

4. Keep your promises to your family.

Their flourishing matters too.

This is especially for the men. Pastor, your kids know when you have a habit of breaking promises. Did you promise ice cream on a Tuesday evening? Keep that promise. Did you promise to jump on the trampoline or throw a ball over the weekend? Keep that promise. Your leadership and ministry aren’t worth losing your kids for. God never intended you to be the type of pastor that didn’t keep his word, especially with your wife and kids.

Same for your wife. She didn’t support your ministry so you wouldn’t be available. No, She didn’t move 6 times so you could miss another dinner or continue showing up late each evening. And she didn’t marry you so you could promise a date night “soon.” Lead yourself to love her well. She needs it. You need it. Your kids need it. Your church needs it. Take it from me, I wish I would have known this sooner!

“God never intended you to be the type of pastor that didn’t keep his word, especially with your wife and kids.“

5. Sacrifice something that is good, but not good right now.

Every decision has a cost.

I’ve been working on a doctorate, but I did so while planting a church during a pandemic in a community where I had no pre-existing relationships and while we had two more kids. Let me tell you… that decision cost. And, should I have chosen to give up all of the hard work in those seminars and courses, leave behind the PhD road, and focus on my family, I would be out those dollars and possibly future opportunities. That decision would cost as well.

In all honesty, all of those things were good, but we really struggled to figure out what was not good “right now.” If you’re struggling to decide what’s truly important and what can take a back seat, reach out. I’d be glad to help you process, even if it’s just by learning from my mistakes.

6. Make your Smart Phone a Dumb Phone.

Sometimes flourishing is on the other side of your screen addiction.

I love this hack. When I hit seasons of wanting to really focus on my leadership, honor my family, and maximize my time, I delete all of the social media and distracting apps from my phone. I have even removed email, so that I could be fully present wherever I was, answering emails only when I had a laptop in front of me. The only functions I use it for at that point would be a phone, text, notes, and calculator. Removing email isn’t always possible depending on your job responsibilities, but if you can, I highly recommend it.

If you do this, give it two or three weeks to really find your new way of life. If your phone has become a crutch or an emotional support, you’re going to notice that in the first 10 minutes! Give it a few days to work through the anxiety of not knowing what to do with yourself. You will discover so much creative energy and extra time, and your mood will improve. Not only is this incredibly practical, it’s also incredibly sacred and healing for our relationship with God and those we love most.

7. Journal Daily.

Life is lived in the margins.

I’ve had seasons where I journal daily, and seasons where I go a year or more without it. Don’t under-estimate the power of daily journaling, especially if you’re the type that doesn’t like to sit for much time at all. When we journal, it sets the tone for each day and gives us a touchpoint and a reference point for where we are mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. 

Some advice… don’t make it complicated, but do make it consistent. Keep it brief and to the point, focused on what matters to you. Someone once suggested starting your journal with the word “Yesterday…” and then you just start writing. Personally, I prefer to outline a few sections. Here’s my journaling outline, though I freely adapt it as I need:

• Scripture Verse that stuck out from my daily reading
• What is God saying to me through my reading?
• Action Point or Principles to re-inforce in my life for the day, often from my Bible reading or from something I feel God wants me to give attention to
• Priorities for the day in the form of a short “Big Three” to do list.
• Relationships I need to focus on that day, and any details that seem relevant.
• Closing Prayer – A few, intimate words to my Heavenly Father to bring closure to the journaling time while inviting God into the rest of my day.

In your journaling time, there may be things that surface that make you anxious, overwhelmed, or afraid. Keep track of those moments.

What was it about the moment that caused you to feel this way?

Why did it make you feel this way?

What can you do about it?

You have options here. First, Talk to someone!

1. God.
2. Your spouse
3. Your boss, board, or a peer
4. A counselor
5. A friend

Then, take an action step. That action step is important. Talk about it, but then do something about it. Here’s a simple guide to making just ONE important change this week:

1. Start something, Stop Something, or Surrender Something
2. Write down your commitment
3. Let someone else know
4. Ask them to follow up with you

8. Make life’s Pressure Points your Prayer Points.

You’re too busy NOT to pray.

Martin Luther famously said, “I have so much to do that I shall spend the first three hours in prayer.” Brother Lawrence had a habit of “practicing the presence of God” in his daily routines and tasks. E.M. Bounds declared, “Prayer is the mightiest agent to advance God’s work.” And Jesus said in Matthew 11:28 (CSB), “Come to me, all of you who are weary and heavy burdened, and I will give you rest.”

When your pressure points become your prayer points–especially when you pray them out loud with others–God moves, obstacles are overcome, and you lead from victory instead of defeat.

This can also make all the difference in how you show up. Edwin Friedman’s “Non-anxious presence” is really only possible for us in ministry when we are prayed up. A devoted prayer life is the difference between showing up with the Peace of God rather than anxiousness, worry, irritability, or fear. You can’t fake a life of peace. Oh sure, you can fake it for a day, but why would you want to when you can have the real thing?

“When your pressure points become your prayer points–especially when you pray them out loud with others–God moves, obstacles are overcome, and you lead from victory instead of defeat.”

9. Anchor your identity in Sonship, not Success.

You’re a son or daughter first, and a servant second.

In the Christian life, your success is spelled F-A-I-T-H-F-U-L.

Sometimes faithfulness means letting go of your definition of success so that you can continue to hold on to your faith.

If you’re building a ministry, you can only do that through the Holy Spirit. If you’re building a platform, the stage you stand on will eventually become the cage you live in. There’s a reason pastors are often most depressed on Sunday nights after they’ve given their all in the pulpit.

Not every Sunday will be a home run… and even if it is, you’re going to be tired, depleted, and in need of a refresh. Aside from the healthy habits that help you reset each week, remember this: Your identity is first and foremost as God’s kid, not God’s performer. You PREACH the Word, DO the work of ministry, POUR OUT for the sake of others, but you ARE a child of God.

Learn to grieve hard moments by spending time with your Father in heaven. Learn to reset by remembering your Sonship, ending the day in gratitude, and spending time with your Heavenly Father that is not tied to sermon preparation or your professional ministry. Take a moment to stop doing for God and just being with God.

“In the Christian life, your success is spelled F-A-I-T-H-F-U-L.“

10. Make time for friends.

Make friends who are outside of your immediate ministry, and whose relationship with you is not dependent on your title, network, or responsibilities.

I have a few friends I can call, but not many. Most I’ve met through ministry or education, and there’s only a small handful who are truly in my corner regardless of whether I am in ministry or not. The honest truth is that while most pastors, denominational leaders, coaches & consultants, and counselors are amazing people, they only have so much time… and when the time for you to be part of their denomination, network, or cohort is through, relationships often change. That’s not bad, that’s just life. Make some friends who don’t depend on your ministry, and who will still be there when ministry ends. You want friends whose belief in you reaches the sky, but whose expectations are grounded in real life.

Martin Luther said, “God created the institution of marriage, but he also created the institution of friendship.”

We serve a triune God who created us for community. If you need a friend, reach out to someone! None of us should do this alone.

BONUS TIP:

Preorder Leading Change Without Losing Heart.

It’s not all soul-care, though that’s part of it. It’s also about leading real change right where you are, starting with yourself.

In this book, I walk through the various challenges of leadership in a changing world, providing an intuitive, Scriptural, and science-supported process to remain hopeful, optimistic, and resilient in your ministry while seeing real change around you. From personal relationships and cataclysmic social crises to organizational and systems challenges, this book seeks to be both rich and relevant to your leadership today. Not only will it encourage you as you learn from my mistakes and painful moments, it will also equip you with some much needed clarity and simple tools to hit “Refresh” in your life and leadership.

As a thank you for preordering, I will include exclusive content just for you!

One more favor to ask… would you consider being a part of the Launch Team for this new book? I believe it will encourage many pastors and ministry leaders, but I can only encourage as many as get a book in their hand! Please consider purchasing a copy for the pastors and ministry leaders in your life. It’ll arrive just in time for Christmas!

If you’re interested in joining the launch team for the book’s release, you can join our Launch Group here.